I feel awful. I don’t know what’s wrong, exactly. It’s like a sudden, extremely intense depression. Everything aches. I move in slow motion. My face in the mirror horrifies me. I feel hostility from everyone around me in the real world, indifference from everyone online. Everything seems to make it worse. I don’t know what caused it; I’ve had depressive episodes but nothing that ever began so abruptly. I’m actually sitting here blaming myself for being so weak that I let this happen, though I don’t even know how it happened or why.
I am still choking on film writing project. I’ve put it aside for now as it was overwhelming, but I still feel it gnawing away at me. For some reason I can still do paintings, and I am more productive at that than usual. It is one of the few things that don’t make my condition worse, though they don’t help in any way either. I finish them, they seem satisfactory to me, but I don’t feel good about them. I don’t feel good about anything.
I don’t even want to write this, because it’s whiny. And now I’m angry at myself for being whiny.
I haven’t jumped the rails of reality or anything. I’m not hallucinating or hearing voices. I am just suddenly overwhelmed by the meaninglessness of life.