What it’s like to be an unattractive woman

I googled “What it’s like to be an unattractive woman” in the hope of finding other women like myself to befriend, and among the results was this article by Tracy Moore called “Will Women Ever Have the Freedom to be Ugly?”

It begins on a promising note, as Moore describes her personal experiences of being called ugly and pointing out that if beauty were not expected of women, it would free up a lot of our time, resources and energy.

But then Moore goes on to say:

Second, what do I mean by ugly? Like all things subjective, it’s arguable to infinity. I think when women are called ugly, they are not actually ugly — they are simply noncompliant. They are not willing to spend the time, money and energy it takes to live up to a cultural beauty standard that says skin tones must be evened out, eyes must be enhanced, cheek bones accented, weight managed, desirability advertised, and so on. (Remember, pretty is a skill set.)

 

Some of us cannot be pretty no matter how compliant we try to be.  Spackling makeup on an ugly face will not turn it into a pretty one.   Moore seems to be one of those idealists who think there is no such thing as an ugly woman, but the real world tells us otherwise.

Sometimes I really think one of the most radical things a woman can do is simply not brush her fucking hair.

There are many more radical things a woman can do than not brush her hair.  For example, she could recognize that she is a member of an oppressed class, and work together with other members of the same oppressed class to dismantle the system that oppresses her.

Reddit is a cesspool of misogyny, but this thread is worth reading:  Do Unattractive Women Really Feel Completely Ignored/Invisible?.

“You’re not unattractive!” “You’re not even that fat!” “Someone finds you beautiful!” “Beauty is subjective” OH MY GOD FUCK RIGHT OFF.

Just accept that the world is a mean place sometimes. You telling me my struggles don’t exist makes me feel more invisible. Like you can’t even comprehend the life unattractive people lead so you have to blow smoke up my arse to make yourself feel better? It’s not like people are flinging shit in my face but can we please accept the fact that not being attractive impacts my actions and the actions of others?  — commenter sehrah

OMG, THIS THIS THIS.

And my own related piece, Feminists Are Ugly.

So readers, if any of you are conventionally unattractive, I want to be your friend.

 

 

Spot the Misogyny: My Ex-Friend Wim Soetaerts (3)

In the first post of this series, I describe how W. and I met, were friends,  fought and broke up.  In the second post, I analyze some of the emails he sent me afterward.  In this final post, I analyze more emails and come to some conclusions about W.

Spot the Misogyny: My Ex-Friend Wim Soetaerts (2)

In the first installment of this series, I introduced my ex-friend W. and explained how we met, became friends, fought and broke up.  This installment describes what happened after that.

Spot the Misogyny: My ex-friend Wim Soetaerts

“No one is born a bigot.  Hate is learned.”

This is a old childhood picture of someone who used to be my friend.  This cute little boy, smiling so brightly, surely deserved to be happy and loved.

But W. was viciously bullied.  He wasn’t athletic and the other kids constantly made fun of him.  Home wasn’t much of a comfort either, because his mother would punish him for trivial things by sending him to his room.  He spent much of his childhood immersed in comic books.

He grew up believing that people in general were just cruel to one another.  This cruelty affected him to his core: inwardly he aligned himself with the bullies and learned to take pleasure in other people’s suffering, and call it humor.  But you wouldn’t see it if you know him only casually, because on the surface he can be very kind, generous with gifts and time.  You might think he has a dark, twisted sense of humor, but you’d probably overlook it because he seems so good in other ways and is devoted to his friends.

He seems like a nice guy – as long as you don’t get too close.

Quote of the Day: Men’s Rights Activists

Men’s rights activists are hot garbage and I think it’s great that men in solidarity with feminists critique and condemn them, but I also can’t help but feel like we’re in danger of falling into the same trap anti-racist white folks have with neo-Nazis and klansmen. MRAs are in the same group of cartoonishly evil reactionaries that can be easily dismissed or mocked without upsetting most of those who share their privilege – while pornographers, sex buyers, anarchists, kinksters, leftist dudes, and other male supremacists are actually significantly more likely to enact widespread oppression and receive, in proportion, significantly less attention. So yeah like fuck MRAs, make fun of them and expose their nonsense, but also remember that confronting real, entrenched, socially acceptable, politically powerful woman-hating is way more important and usually not as much fun.

— Jonah Mix

Women as a class

Woodland Study 2 by Verina Warren. (site)

 

Women have a problem with seeing ourselves as a coherent group of people, seeing ourselves as a class. It is too easy to “other” the women who are killed and we are encouraged to divide ourselves rather than stand together. We see this every day, even in feminist groups. We need to come together and truly believe that Every Woman is one of us, even if we disagree on things.

— Kate Leigh

Quote of the Day: Systems of Oppression

The Negro Woman, lithography by Elizabeth Catlett. Source

Systems of oppression are complex, multifaceted structures that exist beyond any one person, and a massive amount of their oppressive power comes from the fact that they can make those they exploit depend on them for survival.

— Jonah Mix

 

Read the entire article here.

Quote of the Day: On Funfeminism

Let us be clear: feminism is out to screw patriarchy. It’s not there to be wheedling and apologetic. It’s not there to teach women to cope with life as subordinates. It’s not there to promote a chirpy, can-do response to a cat-call, a hand on the arse, a tongue down the throat, an unwanted grope or a rape. And if you’re thinking “all this sounds a bit judgmental,” I do understand. I know words like “patriarchy” and “male dominance” make people feel uncomfortable (I’d call it “feminismphobia” if it wasn’t time we stopped pathologising dissent). I know some women have a deep-rooted fear of how feminism could change their sexual landscape. To support something which is ultimately for everyone – but not specifically for you – is difficult, but feminism is not about misusing words (empowerment, choice, freedom) to cover up the things we don’t want to see. We’re here to knock down the entire edifice, not repaint the walls.

— Glosswitch, “Sex-positive feminism is doing the patriarchy’s work for it“

Beauty: HuffPo Writer Almost Gets it

Objectification is depressing. Here, have a cat pic.

Huffington Post Writer Almost Gets It, but Then Fails:

In this essay at the Huffington Post, Lori Day takes on the subject of how men don’t have to be beautiful the way women do and she nearly, nearly nails it:

“Women of all ages, races, body types, and occupations can now show society that they are equally deserving of being objectified — not just the young, thin, white hotties who typically get that special honor. Today, if you’re female, you’re never too old, too large, or too anything to be photographed or painted while naked or scantily clad, and duly lauded for your physical attributes. Hooray!”

On fashion

David Bowie can have fun with this shit, because it’s not compulsory for men.  (source)

We’ve got the goon squad, and we’re coming to town….

— David Bowie, “Fashion”

When I was 13, I had only the vaguest stirrings of what would eventually make me into a feminist.   But I was brutally aware, as only a 13-year-old can be,  of the strict social caste system among kids.  I was aware that I was not thin or pretty enough to be one of the cool kids, and I was too poor to afford the clothes that signified status.  I grew up in a ghetto section of a large California city, part of and surrounded by poverty.  If you weren’t from around there, you might think that the poor kids wouldn’t care as much about having the right clothing as the rich kids, but you’d be wrong.  Designer clothing was EVERYTHING.  To the point where many of our parents sought out cheap designer knockoffs for us at the swap meet in the hopes of helping us fit in.  If you showed up at school in a dress from K-Mart, everyone knew it and would mock you mercilessly.    They always knew where the cheap clothes came from.